Terrible Mom

WARNING.. this is gonna be a sad post.. but I have a heavy heart so here goes...


We (my hubby and I) had been planning for about a month to take the kids to a crawfish boil today. I ended up working a lil later than usual, but I thought, what the heck it'll be aight, I will just freshen up, and take them anyway.. it's gonna be outside so it won't matter.

Well.. I recieved word there was PLENTY there to eat, so I decided to get a shower. While I was in there I heard my hubby, daughter, and son SCREAMING at each other. So, I decided we weren't going, if we can't get along at home.. HOW IN HELL am I gonna take them anywhere?

Tiffany stuck her head in the door and said "Big Daddy said we can still go". I proceeded to tell her, "But we not going, we staying home". She slammed the door, started crying, and told Cody that I said we weren't going. So, he stuck his head in the door and said "mom are we really not going?" I told him I was putting pj's on and that I would have to find something to cook, because I had not laid anything out, since I wasnt' planning to cook.

I am one of those moms that do not talk when I'm angry. They are my children and I refuse to talk to them when I am mad. and they know that.

Tiffany called me every name in the book. Asked me why I had to marry THAT MAN. got up and slammed her beddroom door and the door going in and out of the house at LEAST 100 times. (yes my power bill should be up this month, and no i never opened my mouth). I also do not eat when I am mad, so i had to ask them what they wanted me to do with the chicken. they said whatever.. and I let them know that I am not eating so now they say they aren't either...

My problem is this. How could I possibly want more children, if I can't have everyone in my house at the moment get along. I feel like a TERRIBLE mom.. just TERRIBLE.. because my children seem to hate my husband, and i PRAYED for YEARS for a man that God would lead to me and He did. Jamie is my heart and soul, he has changed me and my children in so many ways. I just wish that they could get along.

But this is my problem. I came to realize that they got along GREAT until I got home from work, and then the day got doomed. I had a GREAT day at work and we were supposed to go as a family to a crawfish boil, and I don't even eat the junk. I am now depressed again, thanks to the terrible day that I had after 6 o'clock tonight. I just wish I could close my eyes and it had all been a dream.

I'm to the point where I dont' care if I have any more kids or not, because He isn't gonna give them to me until everyone here gets along. (or at least I dont' know why He would).

just pass me the TERRIBLE MOM of the year award

talking to God

Today I went to my church, and had a LOOOONG talk with the preacher. I am tired, VERY TIRED, of being depressed. I was able to talk to him about why I'm so depressed, and I think in the back of my mind, I'm thinking that I will NEVER bear my husband a child, and when I do, I will miscarry it. I was very honest with him. I told him that I am scared to death, and that I love my husband more than words can say, and my fear is not having his baby, and then our marriage fall apart because of this. I also told him that jamie is ALWAYS telling me that, "when God is ready, we will have our own". But that is SOOO hard for me to accept, although it is ABSOULTELY right. Even Bro. Mark said that! I left there feeling very refreshed. And trying my BEST not to even think of it! Now, with that being said, I went ahead and called my OB, just to clear the other part of my mind. I asked her nurse what time frame do I need to start worrying about anything. She said if I wasn't pregnant by the 1st of next year to give them a call then they will do a HSG (make sure my tubes are clear) FANTASTIC .. now.. I should surely be able to rest every night, and KNOW that when its time I will have my hubby's baby.

Now, about lent. I grew up Baptist, so this is a WHOLE new world to me! And, extrememly hard! I gave up refined sugar, which means I can have NATURAL sugar ONLY! Hard, very very Hard. and Yes, I think, I have now showed the world that I am CRAZY!!!! I have lost 10 pounds since Ash Wed.!! I am soo happy about this! I have about 18 more to go to be where I was when I had my surgery last year to have a tubal reversal. I have not started exercising yet, I will start that on the 1st. I have not really wanted anything that I can't have, which is really good! Let me remind you what I CAN'T HAVE!! No ice cream, no sweet tea, no cokes, no cake, no cookies, you get the idea.. LOL!! But, I can have fresh fruit! which is a great thing!!I have found that was eating out of either, boredom, or depression. So, that has COME TO A STOP!! :) thank you very much!!

We have had snow on 3 different occassions since Christmas I believe! It was rather beautiful this morning. It was coming down nice and slow and it was just a beauty beyond words, especially being way down here in the south. (for the record, I am usually at work when this happens, and today I actually got to see it)

Thanks to all of you for being my support through this blog, facebook, and emails, I appreciate it sooo much!

Have a Great Week!!
Leigh

I have decided...

THAT... I'm going to go back to my workout routine, starting TODAY! I am going to start running again, to see if I can get out of this depressed funk that I am in. I think I'm depressed because I keep thinking about the baby that I lost. :( The dr. told me not to get my HR over 140, but that doesn't help me lose weight. I think the 140 is so when I do get PG again, that I can just exercise, without losing the weight. I'm not completely understanding but, I'm thinking i'll just go back to normal until i get a positive PG test again.
But, I'm am trying my hardest to think positive again. and GOD WILL help me get through this.